Columbia alcohol policy protects University at expense of student health and safety

The Columbia University undergraduate alcohol policy directly and negatively impacts the health and safety of the student body. It gives students incentives to act in an unsafe and unhealthy manner.

But maybe I'm getting ahead of myself.

If you are close to any one of us, you would know by now that we are involved in a disciplinary process with Columbia over an incident that occurred in early March. Now that the bulk of the trial hearings are over, I feel confidant that I can publish the details without consequence. The short of the matter is that a freshman drank before coming to our suite--where we provided her no alcohol--and became sick. A second freshman, still naive and believing Columbia to be a benign institution that actually cares about the welfare of its students, called CAVA and instructed them to come to our suite. CAVA met the intoxicated individual as she was on her way home in the courtyard, deemed the call to be unnecessary and permitted the student to return home to sleep off the alcohol.

Where do we come in?

Blissfully unaware of the forces building up against us, like a tsunami out at sea, the Monday after spring break Columbia welcomed us back with open arms and an allegation for "Reckless endangerment of student health."

We just had our hearings today, which made us aware of some troubling developments: the concept of a "fair hearing" at the judicial process is a farce, the policies the University maintains are contradictory and any notion that the University actually prioritizes the well-being of its students over itself is blatantly untrue.

The fact of the matter is that somebody at our party called CAVA for somebody they thought was in trouble, and now everybody involved is facing disciplinary action. If students perceive that calling CAVA gets you in trouble, it completely undermines the purpose of a critical service. For this very reason, sane universities have instituted Good Samaritan policies to protect anybody involved in the incident. For example, an excerpt of Dartmouth's alcohol policy:

"When a student or organization assists an intoxicated individual in procuring Safety and Security, local or state police, and/or professional medical assistance, neither the intoxicated individual, if a Dartmouth student, nor the individual or group who assists will be subject to formal College disciplinary action for (1) being intoxicated, or (2) having provided that person alcohol."

An editorial on the subject presents the argument for the Good Samaritan laws in that "they provide students with the clarity they need in order to make responsible, life saving decisions during confusing and stressful party situations. Every minute spent worrying about judicial consequences is another minute it will take for help to arrive. That minute can very literally be the difference between life and death."¹

When I raised this issue with the Judiciary Affairs office, it was blown off with a confusing statement that since I am 21, if somebody were to call CAVA on me, I "would not be sitting where I am right now." Should students then be checking ID on unconscious or injured people before calling for help? This is exactly the weighing of "judicial consequences" the editorial calls to abolish. Columbia bureaucracy either cannot or refuses to even consider the negative ramifications of linking CAVA and disciplinary action. In the future, If I were to come across an individual in need within my suite I would either 1) not call for help or 2) move the injured individual and dump them outside the boundary of the suite before seeking assistance.


This is a problem.

Columbia maintains that the "common room" is a public space and therefore nobody (not even people of age) can possess or consume alcohol in it--despite the fact that the residents of the common room are responsible for all actions that occur within it. According to the judiciary committee, the only place a legal student can drink is within their own room, the occupancy of which cannot ever exceed only a few people. Though one would like to give the university the benefit of the doubt, it makes it much easier to pin infractions on individuals should there be a problem when they are drinking in their own room as opposed to the slight chance the university might assume liability for a problem which occurs in a common space.

Columbia's policies encourage individuals to a) drink alone and away from peer supervision inside their own rooms and b) not seek assistance for anybody who could be in a potentially dangerous situation.

Are these the policies of a university who cares about its students? It's clear that Columbia places minimizing its own liability higher than the health and safety of its undergraduate population.

¹http://media.www.diamondbackonline.com

Story of our lives

A little known fact is that the 1980's ski movie thriller Hot Dog is actually based on Columbia's very own ski and ride alpine racing team. Today we'll go behind the scenes to uncover the true story which inspired the film.

From the outset, it is clear that the cover art lifted directly from our ski team "New Year's at the Beach" party:



The choice of cover art is peculiar in that bathing suits feature in exactly zero scenes within the film. Following this rationale, they might as well have included a couple more chicks and a Yeti.



The seductive cover character, Tweed, is in fact based off of our very own Cody Widdes. The director makes a subtle homage in once scene by presenting her in a transparent party dress similar to Cody's race uniform:



It was unfortunate that the film, to meet MPAA rating standards, had to cut some of the juicier parts of our apreé ski activities:






[img: scr = "/cu_sauna_sugarloaf.jpg" has been removed (ToS violation)]




Ski Ballet, originally invented by the CU Ski and Ride team, became popularized through Top Dog. In the season following the film's release it was almost impossible to make your way down green runs without encountering hoards of individuals practicing this new technique.





When we discovered that prick Lafayette kids had rigged the competition and won the Hunter Mountain Downhill Regional Cup we launched a full-scale ambush. The film captures the drama of war stunningly.





We decided that the only fair way to resolve our differences would be through a Chinese Downhill. The only rules: There are no rules. Every effort was made to replicate the detail of the actual uniforms used.





Rare actual race footage was made available to the stunt actors in the film. The scene itself required three months to shoot; given the danger to both film crew and stuntmen, the utmost level of precaution had to be taken, including the use of special harnesses and multiple 24 hour emergency crews.





No amendments had to be made to the conclusion; the real life event ended happily.





Of course, some things never change:

Testosterone Overload (Right into the Banana Bread) Edition

When astute, repeat manblog reader Stacey B detected a lull in blog posts over the past week, following spring break's momentous Central American seven man road trip, she couldn't help but inquire, "so has mansuite OBed?" The moment of awkward silence that ensued was due only to the shame I felt for having immediately (and correctly) identified the acronym in question as "over-brosed."

From wikipedia:
"The term "bro-verload" (or "overbrose" or simply OB) describes the ingestion, internalization or general over-exposure to bro substance in quantities greater than are recommended or generally practiced. An overbrose is widely considered harmful and dangerous, and it can result in death."
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/man_overbrose)

In actuality, we've been lying low this week, doing a number of drills in prep for trial (read: core and a bit of biceps). Come see the progress firsthand at movie night this Sunday where 80s ski movie classic "Hot Dog" will be screened at 9:30 or so. And that's not all! We're willing to throw in a ONE TIME OFFER for THIS MOVIE NIGHT ONLY: get your biceps, chest and neck measured for FREE with our tape measure. Winner in each category gets the biggest pieces of Auntie "Colin" Drummond's freshly baked banana bread!

A Few Good Mansuite Men Part II

The good ship HMS Mansuite with destination Mexico has run upon a rocky shoal this week. Details are still under wraps but we've gotten into a bit of a tussle with the University administration. How much weight they think they can throw around against six very-jaded and very-cynical seniors remains to be seen. Nevertheless, closed circuit cameras within the suite have been recording our activity leading up to the hearing next week:

Cleanup in Aisle 6

We've innovated a new method for getting to Fairway, utilizing the potential energy of Columbia's elevated position in the ivory tower in order to get to Fairway without expending so much energy during the journey that we shop hungry and end up buying $350 worth of Mallomars and Pop Tarts. Some people were probably wondering which aisle had the scooters.



Armed with our fearsome arsenal of ingredients, Jon produced something that I have no idea what it was: hopefully he does; though it was delicious.

Bam-Bam, Ba-nam-Bam! Ba-na-nam, ba-nam-bam-bam!

Foreword
I considered writing this movie night post on some of my favorite visual jokes in movies, since Jurassic Park has one of them:

But the only other one I could think of off the top of my head is from the Big Lebowski, when the dude tries to prop his door closed with a chair, but the door opens out, so the plan is ineffective. If I think of any more, maybe I'll submit a list to PaRMLoT. In the meantime, I'll use this post to rehash an old conviction, and make a different list while I'm at it.

Word
If you know how to read music, you'll likely recognize that the title of this post is the main theme from Jurassic Park, which we watched last night. This makes it the second movie night movie we've watched with a John Williams score. I therefore insist the next movie we watch be scored by Hans, because I like him better. Here are some options:

Movies Scored by Hans Zimmer That We Should Watch for Next Movie Night
1. True Romance
2. Backdraft
3. Twister

Those are some of my favorites. Other options include Cool Runnings, Thelma and Louise, The Dark Night, The Lion King, Gladiator, Rain Man, The Rock, Crimson Tide, Black Hawk Down, or Frost/Nixon.

Backword
Or Muppet Treasure Island.

Party Duck Returns From "Spring Migration"

Since Party Duck lives in our suite, he doesn't really need to migrate, but he took this past week's time off to sojourn south to his family's wintering home in Mexico.

While there, he spent a few days pursuing one of his great passions: paleontology. When Party Duck is on his game, he tends to get lucky, and this excursion was no exception. Only a few hours into digging PD unearthed an exceptional specimen, beautifully preserved. His discovery was the party bone of a now extinct species of recreational dinosaur, Dyonychus festivus.* Debate is ongoing within the scientific party-bird community, but some (including PD) believe Dyonychus was an ancient forerunner to modern day party-birds. The phenotypic similarity, in any case, seems promising:

*Dyonychus should not be confused with Deinonychus, a genus of carnivorous dinosaur closely related to the Velociraptor. Dyonychus, rather, was a genus of small, bird-like dinosaur believed to spend most of its time partying. This behavioral speculation is based on paleoecological evidence suggesting the diet of Dyonychus consisted primarily of a mood-altering fern. Inedible to most herbivores, Dyonychus was able to metabolize the fern, but its side-effects are believed to have included impaired psychomotor coordination, muscle relaxation, euphoria, and in some cases shirt removal. Experts refer to the fern colloquially as "giggle weed."

Fooled you!

So I hate to spring it, but we're not actually going to Cabo. We don't want to die in a Mexican drug cartel kidnapping/ransom operation. But we are going to Costa Rica! Tonight! Until Sunday! (the 21st). Don't expect any posts from us, but that doesn't mean we don't still love you.

COLIN IS A 'CAMPUS CHARACTER'

"You might not know the following figures--but you should. In Campus Characters, The Blue and White introduces you to a handful of Columbians who are up to interesting and extraordinary things, and whose stories beg to be shared" (Blue and White Feb/March pg 8).

As though my neighbor and troupe-leader Colin wasn't too cool for school before, his illiosity has now been recognized--and concomitantly magnified--by ironically highfalutin, hipster-hating, Spectator-dwarfing preeminent campus publication, The Blue and White. And I intend to harness all the forthcoming benefits of "Bulldog" Drummond's newfound celebrity status by coaxing him to introduce me to his new groupies band-dates troupe dates.

But before I go polish Colin's shoes, pour him a scotch and massage his sinewy shoulder blades, I thought I'd re-cap some of the great times I've shared with Colin in the past several days, intermingled with some quotes from the article which bears his name.


"Current seniors, take heed: Colin Drummond, CC '09, isn't worried about next year, and you shouldn't be either."

(Me 'n Colin at COOP Rowdy Howdy rager held in Mansuite.)



"In another manifestation of his deep but quixotic involvement with theatre, Drummond also held the title of 'Cupcake Czar' during last year's Varsity Show, earning him the alias varsity_cupcake@columbia.edu."

(Me 'n Colin gettin' down by the Canadian border, March 2009)



"Drummond hit the housing jackpot this year: he is a proud member of an East Campus 'Mansuite,' which now has its very own blog. ('A leage of kings, a fellowship of brothers, a suite of men.') He shares the space with five friends he made during his COOP pre-orientation week trip."

(Me 'n Colin enjoying a quiet moment in the kitchen of our mountain chalet. Oddly enough, the quality of this photo is identical to my perception of Colin at the time this photo was taken.)



"Tall and soft-spoken..."

(Me 'n Colin gazing out across the Vermont countryside heading back to the Big Apple by coach for business.)

Eve's Timely Comment:

me: ooooooh mama (referring to Costa Rica Cabo)

eve: you guys will all come back brown and sexual-looking


YES

Epitomized

Luigi, Wario, and...Michael. Photo: Winnie


[wcb edit: with two prizes (below) and three stallions in the room, some infighting was inevitable]

Condo 2005

Cheers to my suite away from suite. Amidst the exuberance documented below, we also found serenity in the north: hiking the mountain for first tracks, late night Planet Earth, chillaxin' at the sauna or just on our couch, and the deep calm of snow dusted glades.

This past weekend was heavily taxing on all involved. There was much to be done, but luckily, plenty of time to get it done in. We didn't get the 4" we were praying for (that's what she said) on our way up to VT, but we still hit the trail for a few hours, as seen here:




It wasn't all fun and games. Someone had to cook. We let Tom out of the kitchen briefly to get some air. It must have been intense in there, seeing as how he had to wear goggles to make sandwiches.



We couldn't even eat inside, so we ate in the cold snow:




There were no chairs left, so I was forced to go hang out in the hammock that we set up between our condo and the trail:


Somehow, we managed to end the day in high spirits:



Our condo was hard working all weekend. Not only did we hit the slopes, but we also wrote midterms, two at a time! Without even changing out of our ski gear! While drunk!


When that was all said and done, we finally relaxed, figuring we were in the clear. It sure was tiring out there, so we had a little family time by the fire:



You deserve that, Colin.


But wait! What is that sneaking up on Talia?


Surely it's not... it couldn't be... a mustache invasion!


This mustache means business.


It's business time for this mustache.


Aaaaaand there was an alien. He was really tall and lanky. And maybe blond.


Alas, all good things must come to an end. And so we bid you adieu, Jay Peak, avec tes Quebecoises si belles et ton drapeau Canadien si fort et magnifique. A la prochaine, ma cherie.


Sincerement,

le management

L(a)nch Time (2): Reflecting on Saturday's Lunch

Snowboarding Home to the Slopeside Condo After a Midday Shop in VT
A Series of Haiku by Winston

Slashing slush at Jay
Homeward bound with groceries
Airing jumps with eggs.

Back at the condo
Euro dance party out back
Only four eggs broke.





Used eggs anyway
What they don’t know won’t hurt them
Served with Mac and Cheese.

Clay flies past with cape
Chairs trailside for spectating
Steep-lipped jump is built.







Second course grilled cheese
Fran and Eve woo hot doggers
‘Hey, Come hit our jump!’





Cold ones aplenty
Fourth terrain park, our backyard
Lunch is done, let’s ride.